


and i would get nothing in return

by SweetDeath



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depressing, Love, Original work - Freeform, POV First Person, Regret, Self-Destruction, Toxic love, Vent Writing, sorry guys lmao, vent art
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:48:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24504910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetDeath/pseuds/SweetDeath
Summary: and I give and I give and I give but I don't think you've ever asked me to do that
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	and i would get nothing in return

**Author's Note:**

> hi
> 
> it's been a while, right?
> 
> I'm going Thru It Right Now (isn't everyone) and I needed to vent some personal stuff. Past relationships, missed connections, current regrets and fears– the feeling that i love but love isn't meant for me, it's a puzzle where my piece doesn't fit. the ilk. i'll write fanfic again soon, when I get the feel for it again. Fandom has...drifted away from me, but I still hold a special place for it in my heart and writing. everything being said, I have an announcement–
> 
> If you like my writing, and want something personalized for you, check out my writing blog on tumblr ( [ here ](https://sweetdeathwrites.tumblr.com/post/619790367830802432/also-ill-accept-receipts-to-reclaim-the-block) ) about how to get a commission in exchange for a donation to support Black Lives Matter. 
> 
> enjoy

I will give you everything.

I will give you the skin off my back, the flash of my bare teeth, the washboard grind in my throat my voice makes in screams of anguish. 

I’ll ache and burn and pray for the thought of you at peace. Sleep well at night, dream of sunny afternoons and the smell of lavender fields. I want you to be able to stand on your own feet and grin like it’s your 10th birthday again and your mom bought you an ice cream cake. 

Do you know what I would do?

Do you know the sacrifice I would make if you so hinted? 

What do I get in return for my labor, though? I have to ask– not for the sake of knowing, but because if I did this in intentful ignorance, I would feel guiltier. So why do I toil? What reward waits for me beyond the end of the gallows?

Love? I don’t know the name. I don’t know how it feels against my fevered and sweating back in the kitchen at three in the morning. Never had my hair washed by a lover. The lap of someone has never felt like home, not like the way I imagined it would. I have a diary full of regrets and I-wish-I-had’s of my younger years– tears and fears and the adolescent shame of the blooming first crush. First love. First mistake. First disappointment.

But I move on– I create a ‘me’ that lived through the pain. I live through that person, and whoever I was before is dead. Dead but not in the ground, I carry the weight of all those corpses with me as I see my current love.

Will you love me the way I need? Can you even understand the depth of my desire to be known by you? Will you hold me tight enough that I’ll never hurt again?

I think I’ve turned my love into performance; it’s an art now, it’s a dance, and I know the footwork. My love is a tragedy that I perform not for you. I show off to myself, in case I should ever catch myself in the mirror– I will look so beautiful and Grecian and tragic.

So, yes– I will give you my everything. I will kiss the hand that hurts me, so long as it’s not my own (because how filthy is the ring I wear?) and I’ll watch the shadows dance as I drop the match on my own pyre. 

Will you watch me give myself away?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> If you enjoy my work, please please leave a comment and subscribe to my page so you get alerts when I make a new post! I'd love to see some familiar names reading and commenting on my works. Have a wonderful day!


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